Remarkable Women

Today is International Women’s Day! Whoo! Personally, I love being a woman. I would have it absolutely no other way. Sure, the thought of childbirth absolutely petrifies me, and makes me want to cry, but it'll totally be worth it, right?! Women's history is such a large and broad subject, but recently there's a small bubble of it that I have really come to love. I absolutely love the women of the early LDS Church. 

I read the Work and the Glory series by Gerald N. Lund for the first time when I was in ninth grade. But there were a lot of doctrinal and historical bits that just completely went over my 15 year old head. Last month I read the series again, and WOW. That series is so doctrinally and spiritually rich. It gave me such an increased reverence and respect for our LDS heritage; a reverence and respect that unfortunately I feel is slowly being forgotten and replaced with scrutiny and almost a sense of ungratefulness -especially towards Joseph Smith.

So I would just like to write a post about some of these early LDS women, and the history that they lived through. By the way, I’m ecstatic that the LDS Church has opened a team specifically for LDS women’s history. I can't wait for the research they release! I'm going to share a few personal stories of real women: Lucy Mack Smith (Joseph Smith's mother), Eliza R. Snow (gang raped by Missourians), Vilate Kimball (Heber C. Kimball's first wife, who gave an account of her experience with polygamy), and Drusilla Hendricks (who's husband was paralyzed and who still made the journey west.) I also give a brief summary of some of the things these women had to endure. Emma Smith was an incredibly remarkable woman. However, since her life and experiences would take an entire blog post to talk about, in the interest of time and attention spans (I'm sure I've already lost most of you unfortunately) I chose other women who's experiences to relate. All of the details and information I got from the Work and the Glory series, which I cite by book and chapter. (I do not have access to the immense amount of research that Gerald N. Lund used for this series which is why I cite him instead; but he does cite all of the information and where he got it at the end of each chapter.) It's a tiny bit long... but I couldn't contain myself! Feel free to skim until you see something you actually want to read, and as always-please don't hesitate to ask questions!

When I was small I wanted to be a pioneer so badly. I constantly dressed up as a pioneer (or Native American as often as not). I had several bonnets and I even made my own pioneer dress with some help. With all the seriousness of a 9 year old, I considered asking my grandpa (who had his own wood-working shop) to make me a life-sized handcart; unfortunately I never got the courage to ask! I convinced my dad to go down to the river with me and cut some trees down which we then fashioned into a tepee with blankets. I was blessed and privileged to go on a trek to Martin's Cove when I was 12 with our Young Men and Young Women. I lived for this stuff! Yet in all of my youthful exuberance and passion for the subject, I never quite understood just how difficult it must have been. I knew that their life was not easy, I knew that they had been driven from place to place and the different hardships, yet until last month I never really understood on a personal level what it meant to live then. You guys, these people were AMAZING! Especially the women! Honestly, we’ve been told that ours is the chosen generation. And even though I can see it in some ways, I don't buy it! I honestly believe I would have renounced the Church at the sight of the first mob if I had lived back then.

But these women did not. Joseph Smith received the first vision in 1820. Ten years later in 1830 the Lord instructed the Saints to move to Ohio (D&C 37:3)

 “Moving to Ohio was advantageous to the young Church. By leaving New York the Saints hoped to leave behind religious persecution, particularly in the Colesville area. In addition, there were more Church members in Ohio than anywhere else, and gathering in one place enabled everyone to receive instructions from the Prophet, thus maintaining doctrinal and organizational uniformity. Ohio’s available waterways also provided a gateway to the rest of the country for missionary work. But, most important, the move to Ohio was a step closer to “the borders by the Lamanites,” where Zion would be established (D&C 28:9).” (LDS.ORG) 

One of my favorite women in our church history is Lucy Mack Smith (Joseph Smith's mother). In the books she’s described as being under 5 foot, and being well loved by all, with a penchant for being spunky, spirited, and determined. The migration to Ohio from New York began in earnest from about the end of January to the middle of May 1831. The saints mostly traveled to Ohio by water on canal barges. Lucy organized a party of about fifty people (twenty adults and thirty children) and led them to Ohio. They traveled to Buffalo where they found the harbor completely blocked by ice, and there they met a group of saints from Colesville who had already been waiting to get through the harbor for several days. Upon Lucy's arrival the members of the Colesville Branch told her group that they could not let anyone know they were Latter-Day Saints or they would not find passage or lodging. To which Lucy replied: “I shall tell people precisely who I am, and if you are ashamed of Christ, you must not expect to be prospered; and I shall wonder if we do not get to Kirtland before you!”

The saints of Lucy’s group, travel weary, hungry (many had brought clothes instead of food), and many falling ill, were beginning to murmur and complain. Shortly thereafter, when they were on board their next barge, Lucy called the saints together and said the following. 

“Brethren and sisters, we call ourselves Saints, and profess to have come out from the world for the purpose of serving God at the expense of all earthly things; and will you, at the very onset, subject the cause of Christ to ridicule by your own unwise and improper conduct? You profess to put your trust in God, then how can you feel to murmur and complain as you do! You are even more unreasonable than the children of Israel were [emphasis added]; for here are my sisters pining for their rocking chairs, and brethren from whom I expected firmness and energy, declare that they positively believe they shall starve to death before they get to the end of their journey. And why is it so? Have any of you lacked? Have not I set food before you every day, and made you, who had not provided for yourselves, as welcome as my own children? Where is your faith? Where is your confidence in God? … Now brethren and sisters, if you will all of you raise your desires to heaven, that the ice may be broken up, and we be set at liberty, as sure as the Lord lives, it will be done.”  

Now that is a reprimand if I have ever heard one! Lucy went on: 

“A noise was heard, like bursting thunder. The captain cried, ‘Every man to his post.’ The ice parted, leaving barely a passage for the boat, and so narrow that as the boat passed through the buckets of the waterwheel were torn off with a crash. … We had barely passed through the avenue when the ice closed together again.” 

Lucy faced many harsh realities in her life as the prophets mother. Yet she never wavered, and always faced her struggles bravely, with enormous faith, and with her remarkable spirit. Even until the very end as the Saints were preparing to leave and start their journey west toward what would become Salt Lake City, she remained strong and faithful. She maintained that she would go west with the saints until a few weeks before they left in February 1846 when she was 71 years old and she resigned herself to being too weak and frail to make the journey. This is an absolutely wonderful article about her for any interested.

This was one specific example of the tremendous faith of one extraordinary woman. But the early history of the church is fraught with courageous and remarkable women. These early saints immigrated from all over the New England area to Ohio; then they were driven to settle in western Missouri by religious persecution, among other things. Many of the Saints left to go to Jackson county, Missouri in 1831. By the summer of 1833 more than a thousand saints had gathered into four settlements -primarily Adam-ondi-Ahman, Gallatin, Haun's Mill, and Far West. Here, the Saints were persecuted horribly. Our homes and farms were burned. Women and children were driven across the Missouri prairie in the middle of the night. Not given enough time to prepare, many were driven out in their nightclothes and without shoes. They would leave bloody footprints in the frost.  

On October 27 1838, Governor Lilburn Boggs signed the infamous “Extermination Order” which declared that the Mormons were to be driven from the state or exterminated. This laid the groundwork for what happened at Haun's Mill 3 days later on October 30, 1838.

Haun's Mill consisted of roughly 30 families. When the trouble in Missouri began, Joseph Smith urged members who lived in smaller outlying communities to come to Far West where there would be more people and they would be safer. But Jacob Haun (the founder of Haun's Mill) refused to come. He had made an agreement with Colonel Jennings (the sheriff of Livingston county) that as long as the saints did not take arms against the local people, everyone would leave them alone. But the men had made contingency plans if this did not hold up. They believed the blacksmith shop to be safe and the best chance of survival should an attack come. And so, when 240 militia men attacked Haun's Mill, the men barricaded themselves in the blacksmith shop while the women and children hid and fled into the nearby woods. Unfortunately the blacksmith shop still had widely spaced walls, which the Missourians took advantage of; they surrounded the shop and fired directly into the building. Many men died in that shop. The Missourians brutally murdered seventy-eight year old Thomas McBride and afterwards mutilated his body with a corn knife. Ten-year old Sardius Smith was discovered hiding, and the Missourians put a bullet in his head (TEN YEARS OLD!). Seventeen Latter-day Saints (and one friendly non member) were killed that day. Seven year old Alma Smith had his entire hip socket blown away in the blacksmith shop. He somehow managed to pretend he was dead through excruciating pain when the Missourians dragged his body around to make sure he was really dead. Alma was miraculously healed by his mother Amanda Smith using ashes, water, and roots from a slippery elm tree. Amanda would bury her husband and son (Sardius) in a mass grave the next day. Yet these women who were now widowed, picked up their things and moved on to Far West. (Lund, Thy Gold to Refine. Chapters 16-18). 

And so, the Saints began to gather to Far West for safety. Eventually 3-5,000 saints would live here. After a betrayal of fellow Mormon Colonel Hinckle, the saints were instructed to give up their arms and leave the city. On November 1st, the men of the Mormon militia in Far West marched out to meet the Missourians and give up their arms. The Mormon militia consisted of roughly 400 men, all of whom left to give up their arms, which left the city virtually unprotected. However, instead of letting the men return to their city after they surrendered their weapons, General Lucas ordered the Mormon militia to stay under guard, while the Missouri militia went into Far West to "look" for hidden weapons. This was just veiled permission to go sack Far West. The militia took this instruction to heart and commenced to rob and burn the houses, and rape the Mormon women. There is one account of a woman's hands and feet being tied down to a bench, and raped so brutally she was killed - while her husband was forced to watch. (Lund. Thy Gold to Refine. Chapters 19-21). We have also recently realized that Eliza R. Snow was gang-raped by eight Missourians which left her unable to have children. She later would write the hymn “O My Father,” which is one of my personal favorites. She was another remarkable woman of this time period, who despite what had happened to her, stayed faithful and eventually went west to Salt Lake with the rest of the Saints.  

Once again our people were driven out of their city in the middle of winter. This time they settled in Nauvoo, Illinois where eventually an estimated 16,000 saints would settle. They had a happy, peaceful and industrious time in Nauvoo for roughly 5 short years. It was during this time in Nauvoo that Joseph Smith received the revelation which reinstated polygamy. As members, we often get a bad rap because polygamy is part of our history. But through this book, I now have a new appreciation for just how hard polygamy was for these saints to accept, but also how necessary it was. I have no doubt that it came from God. 

First of all, it is important to understand that Joseph Smith did not immediately accept plural marriage. It was "repugnant" to him. Joseph would have to be threatened by an angel with death to accept, and this concept was not necessarily received easily by all who practiced it; which makes them all the more incredible. (I'm in the process of writing a post about plural marriage and its applications to today's world. It should be a good one!) But on to Vilate's story. 

When Joseph began to tell the Quorum of the Twelve that plural marriage was going to be reinstated, they felt sick at heart. How would they tell this to their wives? One day, Joseph told Heber that he had a special test for him. This test, was that Heber give his beloved wife, Vilate, to Joseph to marry. Heber himself admitted that had he not had such a firm testimony that Joseph was a prophet, at that moment he would have thought him fallen. Heber said that for three days he "was gripped in the agonies of hell." He fasted and prayed, and begged the Lord for another way. Yet at the end, he knew it was God's will and that he must do it. And so he gave Vilate's hand to Joseph and told him that she was his. But then Joseph said that Heber had proven the test. He said that was proof enough of Heber's devotion to God, and then instead of taking Vilate to be his wife, Joseph sealed Heber and Vilate for eternity at that very moment. 

But their test was not over. Vilate had been preparing herself for some time for the eventual likelihood that Heber would be asked to take another wife. She expected it to be some older spinster sisters. Instead the call came for Heber to marry Sarah Noon; Sarah was close to Vilate's own age and had been married to an abusive drunkard who abandoned her. But Heber delayed and tried to avoid it. Finally Joseph came to Heber a third time telling him that he must take Sarah as a wife or he would be damned. But then there was an added shock. Joseph said that Heber could not divulge this information to anyone else--not even Vilate! But how could Heber do that to her? Heber said that he shrank from the thought of causing her more unhappiness. He went to Joseph and said that this was such a great trial of his faith that he feared he could not do it. He begged Joseph to let him tell Vilate before he married Sarah. Joseph inquired of the Lord again in Heber's behalf, but the answer came: "Tell him to go and do as I have commanded, If I see that there is any danger of his apostatizing, I will take him to myself." Vilate soon realized that there was something wrong with Heber; she recounts that he was highly distraught and ate little and rarely slept. When she would inquire after him, he would evade her questions. In the meantime (unbeknownst to Vilate), Heber was begging the Lord to reveal the principle to her so that he would not break his vow. Vilate retired to her room one day and began to pray in earnest that she would know what was wrong with her husband. And then a vision was given to Vilate. It was a vision of the order of celestial marriage and the glory and pure joy that accompanies it. Then she was shown the woman that Heber had taken to be his wife. In the book, she says: "I will not tell you that this is an easy thing to accept, nor that it has been without its trials and challenges since then. But I cannot doubt--I cannot doubt that the order of plural marriage has been given by God, for the Lord revealed it to me through the glorious answer to my prayer." (Lund. Praise to the Man. Chapter 28). 

Oh to be as faithful as Vilate and to receive a vision such as this! Each and every one of these women who practiced plural marriage will forever stand in my mind as remarkable women of God. I will always admire the selflessness and courage of these women. The thought of being asked to share Porter with any woman, leaves me feeling sick and discouraged. I honestly don’t know that I could have practiced this principle. But I will forever admire these women who did so, and did so willingly and happily. It took such courage and faith in the Lord.

Eventually harassment would again ensue in Illinois which culminated in the death of Joseph and Hyrum Smith on June 27, 1844. On February 4, 1846 the official exodus of the saints into the western wilderness began after tensions and persecutions began to increase. 

Women during these days were often left without men in their families. The men were frequently called on missions, and unlike today those missions were not for 2 years. They lasted for a few months or sometimes a couple years. They did not go with a place to stay, and generally went with few funds. They did not have a mission President to help them. They were virtually alone, and their wives and mothers did not know if their husbands were okay, and yet these women still let them go while they stayed behind with the children, often trying to find some source of income or keep up the farms their husbands left.

Eventually the saints were forced to go West. Neither the state or federal governments acknowledged their pleas for help, and neither lifted a finger to help these persecuted people. After the Mormon War of 1838, many of these women going west were now widows. Often the practice of polygamy was used to help those women who were widowed or alone and who could not make the trek themselves.

The last personal story I would like to tell is of one lady in particular who struck me. Her name was Drusilla Hendricks. Her husband James was shot in the back of his neck at the Battle of Crooked River in 1838. From that point her husband was paralyzed from the neck down. For a very long time Drusilla had to do everything for her husband; they guessed she had to lift him twenty or thirty times a day. For 8 years she had to provide for her family. After some of the brethren put together a log house for her family in Nauvoo she hired a man to put on a roof and build a chimney which she and another woman chinked and plastered themselves. She took in boarders and did washing and ironing. She made gloves and mittens in the winter and sold them--even knitting extra to contribute as her tithing. Yet there she was, with the first company of saints to leave Nauvoo for the wilderness. With a crippled husband who could not move on his own. Eventually she would let her son join the Mormon Battalion, and she would head west on her own with her crippled husband and small children. (Lund. So Great a Cause. Chapter 10.)

Speaking of the Mormon Battalion, the Mexican-American War began in spring of 1846 to the fall of 1847. The government (James K. Polk) asked for 500 of the Mormon men who were heading west to form a company to fight for the U.S. in the war. And even though our men had just been driven from the very country that was now asking for our help, they still accepted it. The government offered payment (the saints were desperately low on money and provisions) and weapons; it essentially got 500 men to Salt Lake on the dime of the government. Eventually 496 men (plus some women and children) would leave the Saints and go west for the government. These men left their families behind to cross the West themselves. The wives of these men would now be responsible to care for their families while making the 1200 mile trek west without their men. This is absolutely amazing to me! Babies were born along the way, and family members were buried. These women took up their burdens and they just dealt with it!  

I love our Church. But recently I have come to hold a deep reverence for these early pioneer women. They faced their struggles with tremendous courage and acceptance. They did what the Lord asked and did it well. They faced immense persecution and struggle, and yet they did not falter. I no longer actually want to be a woman in the early church like I did before, but I do want to emulate their examples. I want to be strong and unfailing. I want to face struggle with trust in the Lord. May we hold a deeper respect for these women, and give them the credit that they deserve.

Thinking about how far women have come in the past 100 years makes me proud. 

But-- I am even prouder to be able to claim this unique Mormon heritage as my own.




For more information and reading about these topics here are some other articles that I recommend:

http://eom.byu.edu/index.php/Missouri_Conflict

https://history.lds.org/article/pioneer-story-nauvoo-story?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/manual/church-history-in-the-fulness-of-times-student-manual?lang=eng (From this manual I used chapters eight, eleven, and sixteen.)

The Next Step

Sometimes you have a certain plan for your life. You've got an idea of exactly how you want your life to be and what you want it to look like. And sometimes life has a funny way of going in a very different direction than what you imagined. Whether it's a U-turn, a right turn, an exit, or even just a detour. Change is inevitable (which I've always hated). Sometimes it happens in small, unnoticeable, every-day things. Other times it significantly affects your life. Sometimes they're happy and positive changes, sometimes they're difficult, and sometimes they're heartbreaking; and sometimes you get lucky and a decision contains all of those things! Today Porter officially joined the National Guard, and I'd have to say that this decision is a small/unnoticeable yet probably life changing, happy, nerve-racking, exciting yet terrifying detour in our lives.

He has dog tags!

Porter approached me about a month after we had gotten married, and said that he was interested in joining the Guard. He had some friends who were members, and something about it just seemed to click with him. But, we agreed that it wouldn't be the best idea for him to join right after we got married. So we agreed to think about it and revisit the idea a little later on.

Around Christmas Porter brought it up again, I don't remember exactly what brought it up, but he said that it was still something he really wanted to do! So I agreed that we could start looking into it and praying about it. And I mean I wanted ALL the information. My pros and cons lists (which I make frequently) are literally pages long that have every single what/if/then scenario that I can think of on it. I'm just a little bit anal when it comes to decision making I guess you could say :)

So we got the information, talked to the recruiter, and started going for it. It's been a long time coming, but the decision to actually go for it actually only came very recently. When Porter initially didn't bring it up for six months, I was kind of relieved. I thought that it had kind of faded into the background, and that it wasn't something he really wanted to do anymore. At the beginning of our marriage I promised Porter that I would always support him with what he wanted to do as long as it met two criteria: 1) it had to be consistent with the gospel, and 2) it had to strengthen us as a couple and be good for us (and obviously I had to agree to it also). But I was nervous. The National Guard was the last thing I had in mind for our life together. Literally, it's the last think I EVER thought I would have to deal with. I'm terrible at being alone, and I've had my struggles with anxiety and depression. For the next eight years Porter will be gone for one weekend a month (I know, that isn't a huge deal. I grew up with a dad who was gone every weekend from May until November. But still!). He will eventually leave for 6 months for his basic and job training (that one is a big deal for me!), and then after that he will be gone for two weeks a year; not to mention the fact that there is still a potential deployment which would be for anywhere from one year to 18 months. My anxiety has calmed down somewhat since we got married, but just thinking about Porter being deployed sends my anxiety straight through the roof. I've always had a tendency to think worst-case scenario when it comes to just about everything. So my thoughts for the past 3 months? He's going to join, he's going to get deployed, and then he's going to die and leave me a widow before I'm even 30. Let me tell you, not exactly a way to make me think positively about him joining!

While we were praying about it I really struggled to get an answer. No matter how many times I prayed about it. No matter how many times I went to the temple. Or read my scriptures. Or read our patriarchal blessings. Or did anything I could think of to try and get an answer, I just could not get an answer of whether this was a good decision for us. I've never had this much of a problem before, and it was infuriating! Neither me or Porter ever felt badly about him joining, but we never got a strong confirmation that it was the right thing to do either. In the end we kind of decided that it wasn't a decision that was going to have a straight yes or no answer. Instead, it is a decision that would have consequences either way, but that it was up to us to make a decision and that whatever we decided would be the right answer. That's not exactly the kind of answer you want for a decision that will have potential life-altering consequences, right? But in the end, we decided that since we didn't have bad feelings about it, then the pros outweighed all the cons, and we decided to go for it. 
In D&C 58:27-28 it says:

"Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; 28 For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward." 

This really helped me to feel better about it all. Being reminded that we all have our own freewill, and that as long as we are anxiously engaged in a good cause, that everything will be okay in the end. I also appreciate so much that Heavenly Father let us have this decision to ourselves. I think I would be more bitter about it if I felt like I really had no choice in the matter. However, I was still was a chicken and refused to give them a yes or no answer up until this week. We went through the motions, filled out the paperwork, basically did everything we needed to and I still refused to give a yes or no answer! I knew that we were going to do it, but I was just kind of stalling and I kind of wanted to have a way out, basically until I couldn't change my mind anymore. Which made me feel pretty guilty. I felt so bad that I couldn't be 100% supportive of Porter when he was so excited about it; just because of my own insecurities and worries. It was just so hard to embrace that this was happening when I never got a firm answer that yes this is the right decision, and that everything would be okay. Even though I felt at peace in my heart, my stomach was still in knots. I never wanted this life! I was mad that this was even a thing in the first place! I had always looked at military wives with so much respect and awe, because it was something I NEVER wanted (or planned) to have to do. Yet here we are! 

Thankfully though, on Sunday I did receive my answer. It came out of nowhere, but I was thinking about it, and all of a sudden this feeling hit me. And it hit me so strongly that I started crying a little bit. I knew that if we had decided not to do it, it would have been fine.  But, at that moment, I overwhelmingly felt that Heavenly Father was proud of us. Proud that we made the difficult decision. The decision that was going to make us grow and progress. It's the decision that requires more faith and trust in my Heavenly Father than I've ever had to show before. I have to trust that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to in the end. I've never been one to make decisions unless everything is set in stone and I know exactly what to expect and what's going to happen, down to the minute. This decision literally requires a leap of faith for both of us. We do not know what is going to happen, we could go on for the next 8 years and never have any problems. But, Porter could very likely be deployed. I might not handle this as well as I think I will. There are a thousand things that could happen, and we literally have no idea what will actually happen. That's a NIGHTMARE for me. And so all I have right now is my faith that Heavenly Father has everything in His hands. I've never had to have this kind of faith before.  

One more thing that really had an impact me was a scripture I read in the book I'm reading. It was in book 7 or 8 of the Work and the Glory series by Gerald N. Lund. And of course for the life of me I cannot find the reference now! The scripture basically said though (I'm paraphrasing something major right here), "Don't you trust me? I've promised that any sacrifice you make here will be restored to you a hundred fold in the life to come." That scripture hit me pretty hard. And so, I decided that any sacrifice that this ends up being for us, it will be completely worth it in the end. 

This is going to be so hard for me, I already know that. But seeing Porter today while he was swearing in, and seeing how giddy and happy he was when he got his uniform? I now have no doubts that this is what he was meant to do. He even said today that while he was swearing in that his heart was burning and his spirit was on fire because he knew so strongly this was right. I love him. I am so proud of him and I am so proud to be his wife. And so, here we are. Porter is now officially a member of the Utah National Guard. The papers are signed, the oath has been sworn, the uniform has been issued. Now we just look forward with faith and hope. And to borrow a phrase from my dear friend Marie, "I am going to be braver than I want to be." It's as simple as that. And for now, I'm just going to be thankful that Porter didn't want to be a marine. 

He's taking the oath!

A Change in Perspective

Hello lovelies! I'm having some thoughts that I wanted to share with you all. It's probably something that most people have already figured out-- but I just barely did so good for me! Right?!

Lately, I have noticed more and more that we are told to "repent constantly," among other phrases.  The instance that stands out in my mind is from the talk "Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence" by Jörg Klebingat (it's a really good talk that I very highly recommend!) In this talk he says: "Because the Atonement of Jesus Christ is very practical, you should apply it generously 24/7, for it never runs out." And in The Miracle of Forgiveness by Spencer W. Kimble he says: "Since all of us sin in greater or lesser degree, we are all in need of constant repentance, of continually raising our sights and our performance." The thought of needing to constantly repent has never made me pause before; I guess in the last few years when I actually began to apply repentance to my life I was always at a point in my life where I really did require constant repentance. 

Recently however, I have started to make a genuine effort to live the way I have been taught to. It's a never-ending effort (which is the way it's supposed to be), and though I'm far from perfect, I have definitely been improving! Yet the other day when I read that we should apply repentance 24/7, it made me stop and pause. I thought: "But what about the days when you're good  and you don't really have anything to repent for?"  How do you apply repentance on the days when your mind appropriately fixed on Christ, when you are patient with those around you, when you read your scriptures and say your prayers, when you basically do everything within your human ability of doing it all right? So of course, I turned to my mom and asked her. And of course she had an answer!

I don't know about you all, I was taught the repentance process from the time I started Primary; and then it was drilled into my head every single year after that! If you grew up in the Church, you know that the repentance process is: 
1. Acknowledge the sin 
2. Confess the sin 
3. Abandon the sin. 
4. Restitution 
5. Live righteously. 
While that process is a necessary part of repentance, it isn't all of it. But I had become so focused on applying the repentance process in my life that I had forgotten there was another part to repentance. And that makes all the difference I think. 

The other (and in my opinion the main part) of repentance is found under "repentance" in the Bible Dictionary, which reads as follows: "The Greek word of which this is the translation denotes a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world. Since we are born into conditions of mortality, repentance comes to mean a turning of the heart and will to God, and a renunciation of sin to which we are naturally inclined" (emphasis added).


Once my mom pointed out that distinction to me, it was like it all just clicked into place in my mind. The repentance process is good and necessary. However, once you begin to really apply the process to your life, namely the "live righteously" step, then the active process of repentance begins to be less common. Once you apply the actual definition of repentance (turn your heart to Christ), then you stop sinning as much and there is less of a need for the active part. 

This is a key difference for me, because it completely changed the way I approached the gospel. Before, I always felt like I wasn't doing enough. We are told to repent often, and I began to felt overwhelmed and like I wasn't repenting enough. I would look for things that I was doing wrong, just so I could have something to repent for! And let me tell you, that's not exactly a healthy state of mind to be in! But once we change our thoughts of repentance from the process to the actual meaning of the word, then it takes away the guilt part. It's like a cycle. When you turn your heart to Christ, (and I mean really, truly change your heart), then you begin to actually want to live righteously. 
Wanting to live righteously is something that I never thought would come for me. When I first came back to Church, it wasn't because I wanted to. It was because I knew it was true and that it was what I was supposed to do. I came back and I was surrounded by all of these people who I thought never had a problem living according to Church standards--it seemed like they actually wanted to, which was a foreign concept to me! Because I came back to church somewhat grudgingly, and since I did not want to live to those high standards in the first place, it was pretty difficult to actually live the way I was supposed to. But, I stuck to it, and eventually the more I applied the repentance process and the more I turned my heart to Christ, the more I actually wanted to live according to the gospel. A simple example: I stopped justifying seeing movies I knew I shouldn't, and I consciously made an effort to avoid ones that I'd be uncomfortable watching if my mother was present; and eventually, even though I still want to see those movies, the desire to live righteously overwhelmed the desire to see the movie. 
It has turned into something of a pattern: 
The more I look to Christ and the more righteously I live, the more I'm able to listen to the Spirit and the more I'm able to put off those temptations. The more I put off those temptations the less I need to use the repentance process and the more I'm aware of the impact the gospel has on my life. 

And I think that is one of the keys to this life guys, I really do. When we choose and make a decision that we want to live our lives for Christ, and when we turn our hearts to him, nothing else seems to matter quite as much as it did before. You turn into one of those insufferable people who can't shut up about how much they love the gospel! (Sorry about that, it's just a by-product I guess!) Strive to have that change of heart that true repentance brings, and I promise living the gospel becomes so much easier and so much more fulfilling! Make your choice now, and then never waver and that desire will just keep growing. Don't get the process of repentance confused with the actual meaning of repentance. The distinction is small, but to me it makes all the difference in the world. 

As Elder Holland so eloquently put it in his broadcast "Israel, Israel, God is Calling" (which by the way is another fantastic talk that I highly, highly recommend): 

"When He comes, I so want to be caught living the gospel. I want to be surprised right in the act of spreading the faith and doing something good. I want the Savior to say to me: “Jeffrey”—because He knows all of our names—“I recognize you not by your title but by your life, the way you are trying to live and the standards you are trying to defend. I see the integrity of your heart. I know you have tried to make things better first and foremost by being better yourself, and then by declaring my word and defending my gospel to others in the most compassionate way you could.”

“I know you weren’t always successful,” He will certainly say, “with your own sins or the circumstances of others, but I believe you honestly tried. I believe in your heart you truly loved me.”

I want to have something like that encounter someday as I want nothing else in this mortal life." 

That too, is the thing that I want most of all. And that, my friends, is what I believe repentance is truly all about. Turning your heart to Christ, and then try to better yourselves. It is all about progression! I love in the Bible Dictionary definition where it says "a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world" because that is exactly what I feel like is happening to me. 

I'm not perfect, nor do I proclaim to be. I humbly say that I am just trying my best in the best way I know how, and I know that that is all that is required of us. I think we need to stop thinking of repentance solely as a process that has to be undertaken each time you sin. We need to begin to think of it as what it is meant to be- a state of mind, a change of heart, and a way of living. Before, I associated repentance as painful process for a worthless human who would never be good enough and who is constantly failing. Now I can see the word as what the whole point of this gospel is in the first place- turning to God. And I think it is essential that you turn to God for everything. Turn to him when you are sad, or frustrated and impatient, or feeling worthless and inadequate. But don't forget to turn to him when you are happy and grateful. Always turn to Him, and you will be amazed at the difference it makes.  

I am the Luckiest

I’ve had a couple blog posts on my mind for a couple of months now, but I seem to be having a bit of a creative block and I haven’t been satisfied with any of them! So this blog post is more for me as a journal entry for the year than my usual rantings. It’s quite long and with lots of pictures- so I won’t be offended at all if you skip it! But, for those of you who are interested, I do have some snippets of wisdom I felt like sharing at the bottom of the post J

It sounds dramatic, but five years ago I honestly thought I would never be genuinely happy again. I had just lost my dad, I didn't have any really close friends, and I felt really alone. I've struggled with depression since I was about 14, and after steadily getting worse I hit an all-time low my senior year. But happy day! Even though I still have some bad days, I can honestly say that for the first time probably since I was 14 – I am genuinely, honestly, 100% HAPPY! It's an amazing thing! This didn’t happen until pretty recently, but it’s one of the reasons I loved 2015 so much. I really am the luckiest, in every way!

I've wanted to document several things that happened this year since so much happened, but I just haven't really gotten around to it. We've been pretty busy day-to-day and my laptop is getting old enough that I avoid getting on it as much as possible!

So the year started out okay. It was nothing special; I was just kind of trudging along with life. I wasn't sad, but then again I wasn't particularly happy either. Obviously I had my really happy days, but overall I was just kind of... there. 

Then, on April 18, 2015 Porter proposed to me! It had been in the works for a while by that point; in fact I had already had almost everything planned and booked by the time he proposed. I guess that's what happens when you've been dating for 3-ish years, right? So that made me pretty happy obviously. We were finally moving forward after being kind of stagnant for a long time. Porter’s family manages some property up Sardine Canyon, and it’s one of my all-time favorite places to go. You can see the entire valley, and it’s so quiet and peaceful. There's rarely anyone else up there, and I love being able to just get away from it all. So he took me up there near sunset and then had me look through some binoculars where I saw a sign that asked me to marry him. It was perfect! And it was so us- it wasn't really fancy or over the top; it was simple and peaceful, it was just us, and it was the perfect night!

One of the things that I love so much about Porter is that he knows me so well; he likes to ignore other peoples opinions when it comes to me and he's right a big majority of the time. I had sent him a few pictures of the style of ring that I liked, and then he chose it himself because he didn't want me to see the actual ring beforehand. And it is PERFECT! He even had the band custom made for me! I'm seriously in love with it, and even after the last 6 months I still catch myself staring at it all the time. Funny side story: so Porter wasn't aware that you don't wear the wedding band until after you're officially married. He was FURIOUS! The band is the best part and basically makes the ring, and he was so mad that I wouldn't wear it until we had been married. It was pretty amusing :) 

After that the whole year just kind of sped by. A month later I graduated from Utah State University! Happy freaking day! I was able to get my Bachelors in History with a Political Science minor in just four years, so I was pretty proud of myself! I've always loved history, and as much as I really hated the classwork part of it I really enjoyed my college experience (now that it's done that is; I'll be honest I really hated college while I was actually enrolled), but now I kind of miss it! My thesis was about the U.S. and British internment of German and Japanese citizens during WWII, and the driving forces behind it. (Believe me I have some strong feelings about the whole Muslim refugee stuff that's going on right now). I actually got one of the best scores in the class and was nominated for an award for the paper! That was probably my favorite part of my entire college experience. I was able to really dig in and research at a deeper level than most other classes require, and I've always been a WWII junkie so being able to learn about it and take learning into my own hands really great. I also found during college that I really enjoy writing under the right conditions. Which has also contributed to my current happiness, because I finally have something I enjoy doing just for myself! I chose not to walk for graduation for various reasons, but mostly because I just really didn't want to! The whole thing sounded pretty miserable to me, and I have no regrets about not participating :)

Immediately after I graduated I quit my job at Olive Garden. I had worked there for about 4 years by that point, and it was one of the most bittersweet experiences I’ve ever had. I absolutely loved the people that I worked with, they really did feel like my second family; and I felt that I was very good at my job which is always a good thing. But then most of my good friends that had been there with me for those four years started moving and getting other jobs. I also didn’t want to work weekends (particularly Sundays) and holidays anymore, and honestly I didn’t want to deal with Valentine’s Day and prom nights ever again. The best way to inevitably hate the general public is to work in public service, and I just wanted a job where I didn't hate everyone who walked in the door. It was just time for me to move on and start moving forward with my life, and I didn't feel like staying at Olive Garden would let me go where I wanted to. 

At the beginning of June we found this cute little townhouse in Logan that I absolutely love! It’s got some insulation problems with the doors and windows, so right now it’s always freezing for me and in the summer the bugs were pretty terrible. But I mean I’ll take those two things if that’s all that’s wrong with it! It's pretty spacious, and it's got two bedrooms so Porter got to geek out the second one into his little man-cave. I got to put two of my bookshelves in, but the rest of it is all his. Which is okay because I get to have the rest of the house pretty much my way :) 

I went to California on Saturday, June 13th for my beautiful friend Ryli’s wedding. I was only able to stay to see her come out of the temple, but I was so happy I was able to do that much. We flew there Friday night (Porter tagged along with me because I was too scared to travel by myself). My lovely friend Karrie drove to the Ontario airport to pick us up, and all three of us stayed in a hotel together that night. Then we got ready and went to the temple and stayed for pictures after. We stopped by the beach and then Karrie drove us to the next airport where we boarded to go to Alaska with Porters family for the next week! I will be forever grateful to Karrie for being our driver that day! She made the entire trip possible and I would have been so sad to miss the wedding.

Then we went to Alaska! It was absolutely amazing. We flew in at like 3 or 4 am, and it was light outside! I was just floored by that. Then we stayed in this cute little cabin that overlooked the ocean. It was almost like a pre-wedding honeymoon except for the fact that we were surrounded by Porters family. It was so much fun though. I had only briefly met a few members of Porters extended family since they all live in central-southern Utah, so it was great to be able to get to know all of them before we actually got married. We mostly fished, but one day I was sick so we drove into a little town and went shopping with Porters aunt and grandma. Then Porter was sick another day so we just kind of hung out that day. Another day we went on a hike up to the Russian River to see the falls. And it was insane, there were salmon EVERYWHERE! You could have just reached in the river and grabbed them out, no problem. Then we had an adventure where we hiked back to the van following the river. (Someone told us it would be easy!) So we went for it, but then suddenly it was a lot longer of a hike, and no one knew where we were going, there was barely even a trail half of the time. Honestly I kind of enjoyed it, being in nature is one of my favorite things. Apparently we also missed seeing a bear just by like an hour, which was kind of a disappointment, but also a huge relief. I wanted to see a bear while we were there, but only from the safety of a car—not from the side of a river that is full of salmon.

The view flying into the Anchorage Airport at 3 AM

The halibut that we're still trying to eat 6 months later. 

Everyone got to take home roughly 50 lbs

Houston caught a little baby sand shark! 

Apparently you hold cod between the eyes. Which is really gross in my opinion

This was by the Russian River at the falls where we had our adventure of getting lost in the Alaskan wilderness 

Porter and Houston both decided to try some raw salmon right off the riverbank from a local fisherman 

This was our view from the cabin. Oh how I miss this 

The sunsets were insanely pretty and took about 3 hours 

On our way to go to the airport to go home. Porter was only kind of sick of my picture-taking by this point ;) 

 Also, you never hear about Bald Eagles over here, right? You never see them unless they’re in a zoo; but in Alaska? Porter said that he almost got sick of seeing them because they were everywhere! And I agreed! There were probably about 30+ eagles that hung out by the cliff where our cabin was. We went down onto the beach one day to see them, and Porter, Houston, and I all got pretty close to several of them. It was so surreal.

My dad had always wanted to go fishing in Alaska, but had never gotten the chance to go. So I was so grateful that I had the opportunity to go for him and have that experience. Even though he’s been gone for five years I felt really close to him while I was there which was so wonderful.

So we were in Alaska from early Sunday morning (the 14^th) until we flew out Saturday night (20^th) and flew in to Salt Lake Sunday morning. Then we had a week to get ready for our wedding which was that Saturday!

Porter and I received our endowments together Wednesday the 24th at the Logan LDS temple. It was so much more than I expected it to be! The peace and happiness I feel in the House of the Lord is so unique.

That following Saturday, June 27^th 2015 we were sealed together for time and all eternity in the LDS Logan, Utah temple.

It is such a comfort to me that no matter what happens in this life, it will never be goodbye forever. I have such a testimony of this church and especially the forever families aspect. I can’t imagine my eternity without Porter by my side – that just isn’t even an option to me. The wedding itself was beautiful. If you’ll notice in the following, my eyes never leave Porter until the end.

When I first got these pictures back I was kind of mad at myself for that to be honest. When most people come out of the temple they look out at the people who are there to support them. But now I kind of love that I only had eyes for Porter, and here’s why: I have anxiety—not bad or unmanageable, but I definitely get agitated and anxious when I’m around a lot of people and even more so when all of that attention is focused on me. I never took my eyes off of Porter when we came out, because I was about 5 seconds away from having a freaking panic attack at my own wedding! I focused on him because he is my rock, and I love that.

We had our reception at Herms Inn, and it was absolutely perfect. Even though we were completely worn out and done with it by the end, it was such an incredible night. We kept it pretty small, and tried to only invite the people who were really close to us. It was so wonderful to see all of you and we just were so overwhelmed at all the support we received. It really meant just so much to us and made the beginning of our lives together that much better.

There were three things that Porter insisted and consistently maintained that he wanted at the wedding. He wanted the big globe lights, pictures of us growing up, and then he wanted a first dance (awwwwww J). I used to want a first dance, but that kind of changed once my dad died. I just didn’t want to make the night any harder than it was already going to be without him; and I felt like it would be weird not to  have a daddy daughter dance before the first dance—and not to mention that was even more attention on me which I wasn’t particularly keen on. But then Porter insisted, and so we did it! And I am so happy that we did. Now I love dancing with him any chance I get (which isn’t very often) so I’m very glad that he convinced me so I can have that memory now. 

 It was by far the happiest day of my life. After we got sealed we were both starving and the luncheon wasn't for another two hours, so we ended up going to La Tormenta for tacos. Up until that point we had gone to La Tormenta about once a week after our institute class, so it was perfect :) My favorite part about the day was that we were combining two families I love so much. I love my own family more than anything, especially my nieces and nephews; since they've all moved it's pretty rare to have us all together anymore, so that made me incredibly happy. And I've grown to love Porters family so much too. Our families fit really well together, and I can hardly remember a time when Porters family wasn't there. So it was so fun for me to be able to have all the people I love most in this world there all together. 

I wanted to have formals up for the reception, so we took those before the actual wedding day. One of my favorite parts was when Porter saw my dress for the first time. He told me he was really nervous about it, so it made me that much more excited! He so rarely gets nervous about anything that I really have to enjoy those few  moments.

Isn't he so handsome? I'm pretty in love :) 

And just because I can, here is my all time favorite picture of us! I love it because it just makes me feel like a runaway princess or something. haha super cheesy I know, but for a girl who's always wanted nothing more than to live a life full of beautiful dresses and castles, it's the perfect picture.

For our honeymoon we went to San Juan, Puerto Rico! It was amazing, and I would love nothing more than to escape the cold and go back. There were some bumps along the way; like everything was incredibly expensive—think $20 breakfasts being the cheapest meal. We got two regular sized cookies and a small pint of Häagen-Dazs ice cream for $35! Also, there was no free parking. Parking was $30 a day which Porter wasn’t told! So that was a fun surprise! We made a point to lie out on the beach for a bit each day. Taylor, with her tan skin that doesn’t ever really burn at all LOVES lying on the beach. It’s seriously one of my favorite things. But Porter on the other hand, with his very pale skin and affinity for headaches, isn’t particularly fond of lying on the beach for hours on end. So our first day I insisted we lay out for a while, and Porter got so burned… It was so sad… After that we could only lay out for like 20 minutes at a time, which was pretty depressing for me but it was still okay because we had so much fun. 

That was the view from our room which overlooked the ocean if you looked left a little bit 

These guys were everywhere and just kind of hung out with everyone by the pool

We went to the old San Juan fort, which was so cool. Like I said before, I love historical stuff. So standing on that fort was amazing to me. I love places like that because no matter where you go, you can just feel in your bones how old it is and the people that once walked in the same place you are. It always gives me chills! The fort was fascinating. Unfortunately we got there and it was going to close in like 20 minutes-half an hour. So we had to speed through the tour, but it was still so cool! I could geek out for hours! It was also insanely windy the entire time we were there. So I'd put my hair up, and then it was so windy that it would come out, and it was a battle I never really won. 

We also had the opportunity to go see the bioluminescent bays in kayaks, which was AMAZING! I was really nervous because I’d never been kayaking before and I’m not exactly good at that type of thing… But Porter is wonderful and gets me out of my comfort zone from time to time which I’m very grateful for! So we started out in this little marina in our kayaks, and we had to kayak over the OPEN OCEAN! Which yes, I was panicking the entire time. It’s fine! haha they took us to this little river that flowed into the bioluminescent bay. And the beginning of the river was completely covered by mangrove trees. Like it was literally pitch black, which was kind of unnerving. But eventually we made it through to the bay, and you guys. It was amazing. Unfortunately the moon was really bright, but they had a tarp that they put over about 4 kayaks at a time. It made it dark enough that you can really see the little creatures! It was amazing, like we splashed the water up onto our skin and clothes and everything, and like our skin literally sparkled for a good 15 seconds! It was amazing!

Basically it was so fun to travel the two of us. Those were pretty much the high lights, and I can’t wait for the next adventures I get to have with this boy!

After I quit Olive Garden I worked at Conservice for thrree months, but it just wasn't really my thing. So somehow I managed to land a job as an administrative assistant over at Bridgerland Applied Technology College, which is where I’m at now. I work in Student Services, and I am also in charge of a bookstore, and I just give general support to the various staff members and help them out with stuff. I also get weekends and holidays off (not just regular holidays too, I get all the school holidays off as well!); it’s perfect! I know a lot of people cringe at the idea of being a receptionist, but it’s basically been the job that I’ve wanted for a long time now (at least the realistic job). It’s been absolutely wonderful and has been the answer to so many prayers!

In November, I lost a very dear friend of mine to cancer. It was so sad, and it just kind of brought up my dad’s death all over again. My heart hurts so much for the Morgan family, Marie was such an inspiring and wonderful person who touched so many people. You can read more about how much she meant to me on my previous blog post; but I’m not going into detail about that here since I’ve already written about it.

Then on December 21^st we got our seventh grandbaby!

Isn’t she just beautiful? Her name is Mariella Grace Stroud, and I’m so sad because I’ve only gotten to see her once. I love all my nieces and nephews so much. I love them with that infinite, unconditional love that makes me wonder how much more I’m going to love my own children. Even though they can push me a little bit sometimes and I don’t know how to handle them all the time, I still just see them and see the goodness that they possess, and my heart just wants to burst with how much I love them. This makes the fact that they all live so far away now that much harder.

I think my favorite part of this new job, is the fact that I get two weeks off for Christmas! It was so nice being able to have that time to just rejuvenate myself. Something I’ve realized about myself is that I burn out so easily. (I think everyone does), but for some reason I just have a hard time working every single day. If I don’t have enough time to myself (meaning an actual day that’s completely mine instead of being devoted to housework or work or what have you) then I’m more inclined to slink back in to the depression that always seems to be waiting. So having these periodic breaks that this work is going to offer I think will do wonders for that.

Our first Christmas was absolutely wonderful! Porter had been asking for a gun for Christmas, and kept saying that was the only thing he wanted. (He thought that if that’s all he asked for that we would be guaranteed to get it.) So me being who I am obviously I got him one. But I tried to be sneaky about it. I kept telling him that I couldn’t get him one, and it wasn’t going to happen, but he wasn’t having any of it! So I ended up getting him some Nerf Guns, and when he unwrapped those, I straight up told him he wasn’t getting a real gun for Christmas, and the Nerf Gun was it (The real gun was hidden in the laundry room)! He was so bummed, and I could tell he was trying to be happy for my sake—I felt like such a terrible person for playing him! The very last present that he got was a tiny little box with a note inside that said he had one more present and to go look in the laundry room. And it was so worth it to see his face when he opened that box! All he could say was “wow” over and over again, and he was so happy! He had also been saying how much he missed Christmas as a kid because he always got Legos and would put them together in a day. So obviously, I got him some Legos too! I got him the new Star Wars X-Wing lego set, and yes he did spend the rest of the day putting it together!

Porter got me a KitchenAid –  and can I just say you don’t realize how wonderful those  are until you don’t have one anymore! He also got me a sewing machine!! Which I was also incredibly happy about! I used to sew a lot, usually just clothes for my doll and blankets and stuff for them, but I have sewn some of my own clothes before too, usually with the help of either Marie or my grandpas ex-wife. I’ve been itching to be able to repair my own clothes and maybe sew a quilt or two, so this sewing machine has been absolutely wonderful!

So basically our first Christmas together was an absolute success on both of our ends. It made me just love this boy that much more!  

Porter also got me a new series of books to read for Christmas, and that is how I ended my wonderful year! I ended up reading all four books in about five days, which I haven’t done since I was probably in high school. It was so nice to be able to do that and it really gave me that extra boost to finish out my year so happy!

This year I’ve also grown a lot emotionally and spiritually, which I also attribute to how happy I’ve been. Even though some old demons snuck back into my life this year, I’ve been able to suppress them for the most part. I’ve recently gained a much deeper understanding of the gospel, and it has made me yearn for more knowledge. I do apologize that I may go overboard sometime with my Facebook posts whether they be political or religious. The political posts are mostly because I miss my political science class! But the religious ones I’m less inclined to apologize for. The gospel has made me so incredibly happy the past year, and I’ve found myself through Christ. I love it so much, and it makes me so happy that I do want to share that happiness with others. Those posts are in no way meant to “convert” anyone. I know that that is not going to happen, it’s more to share what I’ve learned with others who share my same beliefs. The more I learn about the gospel, the more I feel it burn in my heart and I know completely that it is the truth. I’m thankful to those of you who have encouraged me in my pursuit of this Church, and even more so to those who don’t agree with the Church and still support me.  I’m sorry for anyone that I may have offended and/or annoyed this year, but I’m not sorry enough to stop!

Other than those big and major things, our marriage has been relatively uneventful, but still absolutely wonderful! Both of us thought that since we had dated for several years before marriage would be a relatively easy adjustment. And it was for the most part! There have been a few bumps (mostly because I can get pretty grumpy randomly and going from getting paid weekly to monthly has been a big adjustment) but they’ve been so small compared to the overall joy that they’re barely noticeable. This year was full of learning, adjusting, sad and frustrating times, but even more answered prayers. Both me and Porter have grown so much in the last six months, I look back to where I was a year ago, and I hardly recognize who I am now. I feel the same way about Porter too. 

Now to those little nuggets of wisdom I mentioned earlier: Why is it so hard to be happy for people? It’s something that I’ve really noticed this year. We all say that we need to love and accept everyone for who they are and what they believe—literally everyone says that. But that always seems to stop the minute someone disagrees with you.

It is possible to love someone and disagree with their choices. It is possible to love someone, and dislike their religion. It's possible to get along and agree with a different political party than yours, and it's possible to disagree with other political parties and still try to understand where they are coming from (without saying they're stupid and ignorant). What I don't like is the vast amount of hate I've noticed. If you disagree with a religion, there is no need to make others feel terrible about being a part of that religion. Hateful language towards any organization whether political or religious conveys hate towards those individuals as well even if it's not meant that way. Which really hurts guys! If you've left a religion, there is no need for those still in that religion to make you feel badly about leaving. I believe it all comes back to love, and the more we can love each other and support each other in our decisions the happier we will all be. Can you imagine a Facebook where hateful words and hurtful memes weren't tolerated? It's possible to stand up for your beliefs considerately, and without hate. As my favorite, Elder Holland, said: "Defend your beliefs with courtesy and compassion, but defend them." That goes to everyone, not just members of this church. It seems to me that we're forgetting how to defend our beliefs with courtesy and compassion, which is sad to me.  

So I challenge all of you to just be happy for each other! Make a conscious decision and effort to be happy for each other, regardless of what others choose. Choose not to participate when you see a hateful debate going on, or step in to point out there's a nicer way to say those things. Choose not to use hateful language in your own posts regardless of how you personally feel about the matter. We are all humans, and in the end I really do believe that love is the most important thing, and the only thing that really matters. We are all just trying to find our way and be happy, wherever that path may lead. Personally, I want to be able to happily participate and post about the Church that I love without feeling judged or ridiculed. I want to be able to do this without losing friends. So how about we start supporting each other on all the different paths we will all take at some point in our lives? 

I love you all. If you actually made it to the end of this post, then kudos to you! You’re probably one of those people who made my year wonderful. It's been a year full of changes and experiences that I've absolutely loved (for the most part)! Now that I’m married, I’m hoping to post more about every day stuff instead of the once a year posts that I have been doing. And stay tuned- I do have some posts I'll hopefully finish sometime soon, but we’ll see if that actually happens! You're all wonderful and beautiful people, and I hope that you never forget that.