God Loves You

So I'm mostly writing this because in Institute tonight they were all like- follow your promptings or else you'll lose the ability to receive them- and I've been feeling the need to write this all day against my better judgement. So here goes nothing! :)

Heavenly Father loves you. Heavenly Father loves all of us. This is something that I have struggled with for years in feeling inadequate and unworthy, even over the smallest of mistakes. When I left the LDS Church a few years ago, it was because I was so incredibly angry, as only eighteen year old's can be. I was angry that God would let my dad die. I was angry because I didn't have anyone I felt I could call a real friend and I felt alone-abandoned by God and by the people around me. How many times have those feelings preceded someone walking away from the Church? I was afraid of the future, and leaving the Church and everything that followed was an act of pure rebellion against everything I had grown up believing, and if I'm honest, that I still believed. While I was gone from the church I made any mistake that I felt I could that wouldn't have permanent effects. This went on for two or three years.

One day, I had a moment of clarity. "What are you doing?" This isn't the life you want. I say that with complete sincerity, because I was even less happy at that time that I was at the beginning of this ordeal. I thought I was happy; the parties were fun, the people were fun, yet at the end of the day all I wanted to do was go home and start the day over. When people would ask me to hang out or go to a party I would try and find a way out of it. I didn't actually enjoy any of it, I just wanted to have friends. I began to think more and more of going back to church, but it was just an idea. I never really seriously considered it. Until one day I did. It was a Sunday, and I was sitting in my room, and I just had the thought maybe I'd go back and try it. So I did.

And it was awful. I felt completely out of place and like I didn't belong there. I was completely focused on myself and how many things I had done wrong and I felt that everyone there was perfect and that I could never be that good again. (These were all my own feelings, no one at church made me feel unwelcome.) So I left at the end of sacrament meeting. But when I got home, I started thinking about how the church used to make me feel. I wanted that feeling again. It used to make me happy, and at peace, and loved; not the feelings of inadequacy that I had just felt. So I made an appointment with my Bishop. That was even worse than going back to church because I had to acknowledge where I was at. But I did. And here's the thing-the whole time I was telling him my life story of the past three years, I was crying. But they were not tears of guilt. It was because I had a feeling of love encompass me that I had not felt in so long. That was what started my long path back to the church. It was that feeling of pure love that brought me back.

But here's the twist to the story. It turns out that I have an incredibly addictive personality. So the things that I never really enjoyed doing, and the things that I had just promised to turn my back on, all of a sudden I started to think about them again. I missed the friends I had made, I missed that life. Can you guess where this is going? I had a few relapses where I would make some mistakes and then "repent" and move on. I put repent in quotation marks because one of the things that is required when you repent is to never do it again. Obviously I failed in that particular step. In fact I failed several times, and it is still a struggle for me. So having this addictive personality, and making some major mistakes over and over again, you can guess how I started to see myself.

I saw myself as unworthy to go to church and that God would not want me there (which really, is the most ridiculous thing); there are two instances that display why I now know that God loves me and that those feelings are not from my Heavenly Father. The Sunday after I made one of these mistakes I was trying to think of a good way to get out of going to church. I felt guilty, and I didn't want to see all the people at church who I felt were so much better than me; I just didn't want to be there. I couldn't think of anything though, and so I put on my Sunday dress and I drove to the church house. But sweet relief! I got there and it just so happened to be a missionary farewell day-the entire place was packed. I looked and I couldn't find anywhere to sit, there were even people standing at the back of the overflow area because it was just so packed. As I was looking around, I told myself that if I couldn't find somewhere to sit I would turn around, go home, and call it a day. Literally, as I was turning around to go home, I saw an open seat. I looked again to make sure it was really open, and as I looked I saw my dear "second-mom" Marie sitting next to it. I asked her if it was taken and she said it wasn't. As I sat down, that same feeling of pure love overwhelmed me and I knew that God wanted me there no matter how I had messed up. Some may say this is a coincidence, but I promise you it was not. The fact that the only open seat was next to one of the only people I would have felt comfortable sitting by on a day I wanted nothing more to do than to go home, that was not coincidence.

The second instance was not as straight-forward. It was a few months after and I had yet again made a mistake. Unfortunately I was supposed to give a talk that Sunday. I felt the worst I had felt since that first time I had to go to my Bishop. I was supposed to give a talk on making good choices, when I myself could barely keep my head above water?! I couldn't do that. I considered calling and saying I couldn't give the talk; but I decided to at least try to write it and then I would decide. As I began writing the talk, there were so many things that were standing out to me. The saying that writing a talk is for the writer more than anyone is totally true. I decided to go ahead and give the talk, because there were so many things that were helping me, I felt they were guaranteed to help someone else. Yet I was so worried leading up to the talk. I was so worried that the Spirit would not be with me. I thought that because I had messed up and I was not 'perfect' enough, that the Spirit had been taken from me. I felt sick with worry the day before. Lo and behold, can anyone guess the way I felt while I was giving the talk? Love! It sounds so cheesy but that feeling of pure and Christ-like love is like no other. Everyone told me they felt the Spirit during the talk and I was so relieved. I realized something that day. I realized that you cannot mess up badly enough that you will not be loved by your Heavenly Father. You can mess up over and over again, you can be unworthy to kneel before Him but he will still love you. If you consistently and willingly rebel and make mistakes then the Spirit will be taken from you, but as long as you are trying your best to live and love as Christ did, that is all that matters. "Church is not a museum for the perfect, but a hospital for the broken." That is why I keep going back to church, because it is the only place I feel that love so strongly. That Gods love is always there for you is something that I grew up learning, but never understood until that moment in time.

I wrote this post because I hope it can help someone realize that they are loved no matter what. I understand not wanting to tell someone of your past mistakes for the fear that their love for you will be tarnished. Yet, until someone told me the very worst of themselves, and I found my love for them not only untarnished but instead increased, did I realize even the smallest bit of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. I also wrote this post because I believe until you face the problems you have you can never overcome them. This period in my life I tend to avoid talking about with most people, and because of that it is harder to overcome obstacles. I love this church with all my heart, and everything that it stands for. I hope that we all can feel the love that the Spirit brings, because it is one of the things that makes all the hard stuff in this life understandable. Never forget that you are infinitely loved by an infinite Being.      

This Cult we call "Mormons"

   I myself am actually a member of the LDS church, interestingly enough. However I have had my time away from the Church deciding if I really wanted to be a part of it or not. In that time, I have become friends with quite a few people who are not members of this church-often not religious at all.  Actually I know quite a number of people who look at the LDS church in an incredibly negative way, and it makes me wonder what in the world happened to make them feel so strongly about one faith, which more often than not they barely know anything about. This post is honestly just about clearing up some misconceptions and misleading parts about the church I have come across in my 20 short years of meeting new people and seeing the Church from an outsiders perspective. (I'll do my best but I am human-forgive me if I make any mistakes!)

#1. No we do not have horns. (When I heard people say they've been asked this question before, I always laughed-until it happened to me!)

#2. We are people. Just like everyone else in the world we make mistakes. In keeping to that, we are taught not to judge. Now for those of you who have met those incredibly judgmental Mormons who won't talk to you because you have a tattoo?? Guess what-a very big number of Mormons hate those judgmental Mormons cause they judge EVERYONE including other Mormons! Please do not judge our church based off of those types because I guarantee we are not all like that.

#3. Our church activity is completely voluntary. Meaning no one in our church is paid. Not the Bishops or Presidents or anything. Many of you know that we pay 10% of our income to tithing; and many believe it must go towards paying our leaders, but it doesn't. The tithing we pay goes towards building our churches and temples, towards helping the needy, operating funds for the church, etc. On that note, tithing is also voluntary, however if you choose not to pay it you will not be able to participate in the temple work which we do. (Why should you get to participate in it if you don't help pay for it?) :)

#4. Here's a sticky one that I probably should not go into but here I am. :) (This is something that I struggle to explain and understand myself so be patient please!) On the subject of homosexuality. We do not believe being gay is a sin. However, we do believe that acting on those feelings is a sin. We believe that this life is about overcoming sin and the natural man, which is part of why we do not believe in having sex outside of marriage. Lustful feelings are a part of the natural man, and so gay or not gay, to act on those feelings is where the sin comes in. I don't want to go any further on this because it's a sensitive subject for everyone; I'm just wanting to clarify that we are not one of those faiths who believe a homosexual person will go straight to hell, do not pass go. (And this is not about gay marriage. That ties into this, but I'm not discussing gay marriage so keep those comments away please!)

#5. Everyone hates Utah because of the Mormons right? (I admit, sometimes I kind of do too ;) Obviously not enough to move though!) Now, when you start getting angry about the Utah Mormons, and how we are all Republican, and all those other nasty things that come with this subject, keep in mind one thing. We settled Utah because there was an EXTERMINATION order against us in Missouri. You all know what extermination means right? Well this order was given in 1838. In fact, it was in continuation until 1976 (meaning it was legal to kill a Mormon for being a Mormon until 1976). So excuse us for wanting our own little conservative state where we didn't have to worry about being persecuted anymore.

#6. No one in this church has been coerced or forced into doing anything. If someone tells you otherwise? They're probably lying. We all believe in free will. Therefore, if we have made the decision not to drink alcohol, or smoke, or the ten million other things we choose not to do? Leave us be. We made the decision for ourselves, and we don't need people getting on our case about it. If ya'll don't want us to judge you? Then you sure as hell better not judge us for our decisions.

#7. No one claims we are perfect. Actually it's a big comfort to us that no one can say we are perfect, because like I said before, we are human and we mess up. We believe that Jesus Christ was the only perfect person to ever live, and we do strive for perfection as impossible as that is. That being said, be nice! Just like everyone else in this world, we are doing the best we can with what we have.

#8. I have been asked about the scriptures that are unique to the Mormon Church, namely the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine and Covenants. They do not replace the Bible by any means, we still study and believe in the Bible. It's just another book of scripture that we believe in and use just like other Christians use the Bible.

#9. Chances are, if you treat the Mormons respectfully, we will do the same for you. :)