The Next Step

Sometimes you have a certain plan for your life. You've got an idea of exactly how you want your life to be and what you want it to look like. And sometimes life has a funny way of going in a very different direction than what you imagined. Whether it's a U-turn, a right turn, an exit, or even just a detour. Change is inevitable (which I've always hated). Sometimes it happens in small, unnoticeable, every-day things. Other times it significantly affects your life. Sometimes they're happy and positive changes, sometimes they're difficult, and sometimes they're heartbreaking; and sometimes you get lucky and a decision contains all of those things! Today Porter officially joined the National Guard, and I'd have to say that this decision is a small/unnoticeable yet probably life changing, happy, nerve-racking, exciting yet terrifying detour in our lives.

He has dog tags!

Porter approached me about a month after we had gotten married, and said that he was interested in joining the Guard. He had some friends who were members, and something about it just seemed to click with him. But, we agreed that it wouldn't be the best idea for him to join right after we got married. So we agreed to think about it and revisit the idea a little later on.

Around Christmas Porter brought it up again, I don't remember exactly what brought it up, but he said that it was still something he really wanted to do! So I agreed that we could start looking into it and praying about it. And I mean I wanted ALL the information. My pros and cons lists (which I make frequently) are literally pages long that have every single what/if/then scenario that I can think of on it. I'm just a little bit anal when it comes to decision making I guess you could say :)

So we got the information, talked to the recruiter, and started going for it. It's been a long time coming, but the decision to actually go for it actually only came very recently. When Porter initially didn't bring it up for six months, I was kind of relieved. I thought that it had kind of faded into the background, and that it wasn't something he really wanted to do anymore. At the beginning of our marriage I promised Porter that I would always support him with what he wanted to do as long as it met two criteria: 1) it had to be consistent with the gospel, and 2) it had to strengthen us as a couple and be good for us (and obviously I had to agree to it also). But I was nervous. The National Guard was the last thing I had in mind for our life together. Literally, it's the last think I EVER thought I would have to deal with. I'm terrible at being alone, and I've had my struggles with anxiety and depression. For the next eight years Porter will be gone for one weekend a month (I know, that isn't a huge deal. I grew up with a dad who was gone every weekend from May until November. But still!). He will eventually leave for 6 months for his basic and job training (that one is a big deal for me!), and then after that he will be gone for two weeks a year; not to mention the fact that there is still a potential deployment which would be for anywhere from one year to 18 months. My anxiety has calmed down somewhat since we got married, but just thinking about Porter being deployed sends my anxiety straight through the roof. I've always had a tendency to think worst-case scenario when it comes to just about everything. So my thoughts for the past 3 months? He's going to join, he's going to get deployed, and then he's going to die and leave me a widow before I'm even 30. Let me tell you, not exactly a way to make me think positively about him joining!

While we were praying about it I really struggled to get an answer. No matter how many times I prayed about it. No matter how many times I went to the temple. Or read my scriptures. Or read our patriarchal blessings. Or did anything I could think of to try and get an answer, I just could not get an answer of whether this was a good decision for us. I've never had this much of a problem before, and it was infuriating! Neither me or Porter ever felt badly about him joining, but we never got a strong confirmation that it was the right thing to do either. In the end we kind of decided that it wasn't a decision that was going to have a straight yes or no answer. Instead, it is a decision that would have consequences either way, but that it was up to us to make a decision and that whatever we decided would be the right answer. That's not exactly the kind of answer you want for a decision that will have potential life-altering consequences, right? But in the end, we decided that since we didn't have bad feelings about it, then the pros outweighed all the cons, and we decided to go for it. 
In D&C 58:27-28 it says:

"Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; 28 For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward." 

This really helped me to feel better about it all. Being reminded that we all have our own freewill, and that as long as we are anxiously engaged in a good cause, that everything will be okay in the end. I also appreciate so much that Heavenly Father let us have this decision to ourselves. I think I would be more bitter about it if I felt like I really had no choice in the matter. However, I was still was a chicken and refused to give them a yes or no answer up until this week. We went through the motions, filled out the paperwork, basically did everything we needed to and I still refused to give a yes or no answer! I knew that we were going to do it, but I was just kind of stalling and I kind of wanted to have a way out, basically until I couldn't change my mind anymore. Which made me feel pretty guilty. I felt so bad that I couldn't be 100% supportive of Porter when he was so excited about it; just because of my own insecurities and worries. It was just so hard to embrace that this was happening when I never got a firm answer that yes this is the right decision, and that everything would be okay. Even though I felt at peace in my heart, my stomach was still in knots. I never wanted this life! I was mad that this was even a thing in the first place! I had always looked at military wives with so much respect and awe, because it was something I NEVER wanted (or planned) to have to do. Yet here we are! 

Thankfully though, on Sunday I did receive my answer. It came out of nowhere, but I was thinking about it, and all of a sudden this feeling hit me. And it hit me so strongly that I started crying a little bit. I knew that if we had decided not to do it, it would have been fine.  But, at that moment, I overwhelmingly felt that Heavenly Father was proud of us. Proud that we made the difficult decision. The decision that was going to make us grow and progress. It's the decision that requires more faith and trust in my Heavenly Father than I've ever had to show before. I have to trust that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to in the end. I've never been one to make decisions unless everything is set in stone and I know exactly what to expect and what's going to happen, down to the minute. This decision literally requires a leap of faith for both of us. We do not know what is going to happen, we could go on for the next 8 years and never have any problems. But, Porter could very likely be deployed. I might not handle this as well as I think I will. There are a thousand things that could happen, and we literally have no idea what will actually happen. That's a NIGHTMARE for me. And so all I have right now is my faith that Heavenly Father has everything in His hands. I've never had to have this kind of faith before.  

One more thing that really had an impact me was a scripture I read in the book I'm reading. It was in book 7 or 8 of the Work and the Glory series by Gerald N. Lund. And of course for the life of me I cannot find the reference now! The scripture basically said though (I'm paraphrasing something major right here), "Don't you trust me? I've promised that any sacrifice you make here will be restored to you a hundred fold in the life to come." That scripture hit me pretty hard. And so, I decided that any sacrifice that this ends up being for us, it will be completely worth it in the end. 

This is going to be so hard for me, I already know that. But seeing Porter today while he was swearing in, and seeing how giddy and happy he was when he got his uniform? I now have no doubts that this is what he was meant to do. He even said today that while he was swearing in that his heart was burning and his spirit was on fire because he knew so strongly this was right. I love him. I am so proud of him and I am so proud to be his wife. And so, here we are. Porter is now officially a member of the Utah National Guard. The papers are signed, the oath has been sworn, the uniform has been issued. Now we just look forward with faith and hope. And to borrow a phrase from my dear friend Marie, "I am going to be braver than I want to be." It's as simple as that. And for now, I'm just going to be thankful that Porter didn't want to be a marine. 

He's taking the oath!