So I'm mostly writing this because in Institute tonight they were all like- follow your promptings or else you'll lose the ability to receive them- and I've been feeling the need to write this all day against my better judgement. So here goes nothing! :)
Heavenly Father loves you. Heavenly Father loves all of us. This is something that I have struggled with for years in feeling inadequate and unworthy, even over the smallest of mistakes. When I left the LDS Church a few years ago, it was because I was so incredibly angry, as only eighteen year old's can be. I was angry that God would let my dad die. I was angry because I didn't have anyone I felt I could call a real friend and I felt alone-abandoned by God and by the people around me. How many times have those feelings preceded someone walking away from the Church? I was afraid of the future, and leaving the Church and everything that followed was an act of pure rebellion against everything I had grown up believing, and if I'm honest, that I still believed. While I was gone from the church I made any mistake that I felt I could that wouldn't have permanent effects. This went on for two or three years.
One day, I had a moment of clarity. "What are you doing?" This isn't the life you want. I say that with complete sincerity, because I was even less happy at that time that I was at the beginning of this ordeal. I thought I was happy; the parties were fun, the people were fun, yet at the end of the day all I wanted to do was go home and start the day over. When people would ask me to hang out or go to a party I would try and find a way out of it. I didn't actually enjoy any of it, I just wanted to have friends. I began to think more and more of going back to church, but it was just an idea. I never really seriously considered it. Until one day I did. It was a Sunday, and I was sitting in my room, and I just had the thought maybe I'd go back and try it. So I did.
And it was awful. I felt completely out of place and like I didn't belong there. I was completely focused on myself and how many things I had done wrong and I felt that everyone there was perfect and that I could never be that good again. (These were all my own feelings, no one at church made me feel unwelcome.) So I left at the end of sacrament meeting. But when I got home, I started thinking about how the church used to make me feel. I wanted that feeling again. It used to make me happy, and at peace, and loved; not the feelings of inadequacy that I had just felt. So I made an appointment with my Bishop. That was even worse than going back to church because I had to acknowledge where I was at. But I did. And here's the thing-the whole time I was telling him my life story of the past three years, I was crying. But they were not tears of guilt. It was because I had a feeling of love encompass me that I had not felt in so long. That was what started my long path back to the church. It was that feeling of pure love that brought me back.
But here's the twist to the story. It turns out that I have an incredibly addictive personality. So the things that I never really enjoyed doing, and the things that I had just promised to turn my back on, all of a sudden I started to think about them again. I missed the friends I had made, I missed that life. Can you guess where this is going? I had a few relapses where I would make some mistakes and then "repent" and move on. I put repent in quotation marks because one of the things that is required when you repent is to never do it again. Obviously I failed in that particular step. In fact I failed several times, and it is still a struggle for me. So having this addictive personality, and making some major mistakes over and over again, you can guess how I started to see myself.
I saw myself as unworthy to go to church and that God would not want me there (which really, is the most ridiculous thing); there are two instances that display why I now know that God loves me and that those feelings are not from my Heavenly Father. The Sunday after I made one of these mistakes I was trying to think of a good way to get out of going to church. I felt guilty, and I didn't want to see all the people at church who I felt were so much better than me; I just didn't want to be there. I couldn't think of anything though, and so I put on my Sunday dress and I drove to the church house. But sweet relief! I got there and it just so happened to be a missionary farewell day-the entire place was packed. I looked and I couldn't find anywhere to sit, there were even people standing at the back of the overflow area because it was just so packed. As I was looking around, I told myself that if I couldn't find somewhere to sit I would turn around, go home, and call it a day. Literally, as I was turning around to go home, I saw an open seat. I looked again to make sure it was really open, and as I looked I saw my dear "second-mom" Marie sitting next to it. I asked her if it was taken and she said it wasn't. As I sat down, that same feeling of pure love overwhelmed me and I knew that God wanted me there no matter how I had messed up. Some may say this is a coincidence, but I promise you it was not. The fact that the only open seat was next to one of the only people I would have felt comfortable sitting by on a day I wanted nothing more to do than to go home, that was not coincidence.
The second instance was not as straight-forward. It was a few months after and I had yet again made a mistake. Unfortunately I was supposed to give a talk that Sunday. I felt the worst I had felt since that first time I had to go to my Bishop. I was supposed to give a talk on making good choices, when I myself could barely keep my head above water?! I couldn't do that. I considered calling and saying I couldn't give the talk; but I decided to at least try to write it and then I would decide. As I began writing the talk, there were so many things that were standing out to me. The saying that writing a talk is for the writer more than anyone is totally true. I decided to go ahead and give the talk, because there were so many things that were helping me, I felt they were guaranteed to help someone else. Yet I was so worried leading up to the talk. I was so worried that the Spirit would not be with me. I thought that because I had messed up and I was not 'perfect' enough, that the Spirit had been taken from me. I felt sick with worry the day before. Lo and behold, can anyone guess the way I felt while I was giving the talk? Love! It sounds so cheesy but that feeling of pure and Christ-like love is like no other. Everyone told me they felt the Spirit during the talk and I was so relieved. I realized something that day. I realized that you cannot mess up badly enough that you will not be loved by your Heavenly Father. You can mess up over and over again, you can be unworthy to kneel before Him but he will still love you. If you consistently and willingly rebel and make mistakes then the Spirit will be taken from you, but as long as you are trying your best to live and love as Christ did, that is all that matters. "Church is not a museum for the perfect, but a hospital for the broken." That is why I keep going back to church, because it is the only place I feel that love so strongly. That Gods love is always there for you is something that I grew up learning, but never understood until that moment in time.
I wrote this post because I hope it can help someone realize that they are loved no matter what. I understand not wanting to tell someone of your past mistakes for the fear that their love for you will be tarnished. Yet, until someone told me the very worst of themselves, and I found my love for them not only untarnished but instead increased, did I realize even the smallest bit of the love my Heavenly Father has for me. I also wrote this post because I believe until you face the problems you have you can never overcome them. This period in my life I tend to avoid talking about with most people, and because of that it is harder to overcome obstacles. I love this church with all my heart, and everything that it stands for. I hope that we all can feel the love that the Spirit brings, because it is one of the things that makes all the hard stuff in this life understandable. Never forget that you are infinitely loved by an infinite Being.
